I'm not really the type of person to hide what I am.
I accept the bad....I embrace the good with a certain distance.
I appreciate what's lost.
I usually write fairly abstract but today I just really feel the urge to say it exactly how it is.
I want to talk about being in love.
The first time I fell....
I want to talk about how beautiful it all was.
How....the first time you realllly fall...you see colors you've never seen before.
You laugh in a way you've never laughed before.
You kiss as if it's a hobby...not an obligation.
"We" is how I will refer.
Desperate is not how I want to sound....but rather, appreciative of the experience I had no matter how it turned out to be..which no one will ever really know...because until death you cannot be quite certain of anything.
I remember...
Before I believed....not that I didn't believe but rather I was too naive to understand the difference.
I treated a relationship like something temporary...always looking for my own benefit.
And if I wasn't receiving benefit...I was complaining....
And eventually leaving.
Without feeling.
With total control.
I used to pray at night for God to send me someone that made ME question everything I already knew as love.
For a year I did this...sometimes crying.
Sometimes creating my own love in my head to put me to sleep.
I gave him my own name.
A way to identify him.
You can only pray to God for so long until he gives you exactly what you asked him for, despite the fact that it wasn't a part of his "Great Plan"....and there I was.
19 years old...too young to understand the difference between too young and old enough.
I remember the first time I saw him smile.
How captivating it was that he smiled with this sort of innocence that I had lost long ago...by the time I was 8 years old due to the troubles and challenges my own life had dealt me.
After a few days I finally realized that the name given to him was the one I had created for myself in order to sleep at night in hopes that someday true love would come.
An experience to shake what I had previously believed.
2 bouquets of roses and a box of chocolates later, there we were. Too happy to even have political, cultural, or religious coversations...conversations about dissent and things that would bring debate.
We laughed...we kissed...we never slept.
I used to watch him paint.
Obsessively.
In awe of each stroke...of each color chosen.
And you know, that feeling never left.
For me...everything he touched turned to Gold....became Art.
48 hrs. straight on webcam.
He rushed home to me like there was nothing else better in the world and we spent the entire summer side-by-side.
So far, the best year of my life.
He enjoyed things that I enjoyed.....his thought process as abstract as my own.
We enjoyed cooking together, watching movies, leaving a party with our cups full of whiskey as we slow danced under the moonlight, alone, in a small patch of cement.
It felt as if the stars themselves were aligning if only for me.
Whereas before I would watch a love-movie and feel that everything was sappy and unrealistic...I suddenly felt that I could replace each and every leading girl with myself because I was in their shoes....their story...their love.
Song after song after poem after poem...I played and sang for him like there was no tommorow and he washed my hair in the shower and embraced me during every hour we slept together.
I remember one morning I woke up to him kneeling over me in bed....dressed in a suit....hair done...and crying.
I asked him why.
He replied, because he loved so much.
He woke up early that day to dress himself up and make me breakfast....bought me flowers and placed them in a coffee mug that I still use to this day.
Coffee was our bonding time.
He loved it as much as I did.....which is rare to find in anyone, let alone a man.
He was the first person to make me feel as if I didn't know as much as I thought I did.
We lived together....probably too early on...but it happened anyway.
The highlight of my day was coming home from school and running home to him...usually playing some sort of video game... in our bedroom that I completely destroyed in Green. Lol.
Hugs never got old...kisses never too familiar.
The first person I ever made love with.
Still when I remember....I look back and see every single breath I gave to him in that experience....he breathed them in as well....recycled and gave back to me. Always a smile on my face...always looking into each others eyes....holding each other and crying afterwards.
Now I know what its like to feel.
He may look back and think it was because he was so amazing in bed....but in reality....
It was because I was truly in love with him.
Friends came easy to the both of us.
We spent our weekends in company.
Usually the life of the party....we were fun...and daring...different...and exciting.
He introduced me to some of the best bands I've ever heard....some of the best friends I've ever had.
Told me he wanted me forever...I was too young and naive to know the difference...too trusting of his words to understand them and instead accepted them as absolute truth without question.
To this day...there is no one in this world who can make me laugh the way he did. No one, yet, who has made me feel that life is complete Magic...a Disney film turned reality. (And we watched a good share of Disney films together as well, lol.)
Picking out an apartment together was the highlight for me. The affirmation that we had it all and would have it all. Inexpensive but it was all we needed. I spent hours and hours shopping for kitchen items and decorations...setting up an office for him and is incredible work. Every project he showed me made me proud...every internship he recieved I knew in my heart that he would recieve 2 or 3 more by the years end.
Such a goofy personality he would often leave the house wearing my pink scarves, my diamond earrings....and still was never any less attractive...any less sexy to me. Lol.
When we were driving anywhere in the car, the music was always on....like we liked it...and he was alwaysssss lipsynching and dancing while I admired him from the passenger seat. I couldn't have been happier.
We went through a realllly unhealthy taco bell phase as well...to the point that when I came home from work, he often had my exact meal waiting for me on the counter while he downloaded the next episode of How I Met You Mother or Glee.
Mornings were the worst for us. We had college but sooo many times we would wake up at 7, having no motivation to leave our embrace and miss class just to snuggle for an extra hour and drink coffee together.
One of my favorite memories. Lol.
He called me from work twice to ask me when I would be home.
I didn't even notice his intense curiosity and arrived home in my own time to find him yelling my name from the bathroom ......it was lit up with colorful candles and there he was...sweating like he was outside in mid-summer....waiting for me in the bathtub. Lol. I had to laugh...it was so darn cute.
On his way to class every morning and afternoon he would ask me what professor he had next, because I had his schedule memorized as if it were my own.
Anniversaries were always celebrated. We usually switched off each month to lighten the load and give us time to come up with creative ideas. He made a video for me on youtube with an arrangement of pictures of us together with him playing guitar and singing to a cover of one of our favorite arists.
I made a book for him of his artwork with a poem that he himself had written....somtimes I still wish that I had it for myself to look through.
Lots of romantic dates...and nights alone...as well as nights among friends...we had a life that I want to be able to create for myself and my husband when I'm older. Peaceful, easygoing....and appreciative. He is the King of finding beauty and laughter in things that most don't.
Our first day running together we decided to go for 6 miles in the country. Absolutely beautiful. He was quite a ways head of me, of course...a freaking athlete. We stopped off underneath a bridge to lay beside the river together and chat. Usually about nothing too important...but always important to me.
Both terrible sleepers, we would sometimes purchase a pack of Black and Mild ciggars, take them to the park and smoke them on the swingsets underneath the starry sky and moonlight.
How could things become any better?
He bought me a promise ring with the money he, himself, had worked for at his minimum wage job and invited me to his sister's wedding to meet him family.
Me, scared to death, he took me under his wing all the way to Illinois and we had an incredible time.
The first family outside of my own that I fell in love with.
Our first day back home from the family filled weekend we spent completely alone, holding eachother in our arms and looking in awe at the relationship we had created.
Everything I did and thought was in dedication and admiration for him. Showing everyone his art, telling everyone his jokes, his crazy outfits.....somewhere in it all I lost myself...and didn't mind.
I don't think there was anything more that I wanted than to spend the rest of my life in his arms....dying with his hands beneath my head filled with silver hair.
Thanksgiving weekend we spent with his family in Texas.
I had such an incredible day.....that night I snuck into his bed to tell him how much I loved him and how much he had blessed me with his love and the love of his family....I cried on his chest that smelled so familiar and prayed to God that this feeling never left us.
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Like most things....
They unstrung themselves.
Clothing turned to cloth...turned to string.
We unraveled like a ball of yarn.
Only 20 years old and I've hit the hardest year of my life yet....
And I've heard so many stories and tales of those who have experienced the same.
Many become scared....too hurt to go again.
But please, don't.
God gave me my love early on in life....but I have no doubt in my own mind that it is because he wanted to instill hope into me for my future.
I so look forward to that day when He brings the right person upon my path that can make these precious memories look like the land from the view of an airplane. So small...so cute....but nothing compared to where I will be.
Love is such a blessing. No matter how it ends....no matter what the other person has done to hurt you. A true blessing it is to be loved even for 10 minutes. I had true love....true love....for 9 months. How could I ever regret this experience?....this time of learning?
I won't.
I choose to love without regret...without hurt...without question.
And next time....next time...
It will be right....
